Balance – I Failed

This is my first post in months.  I find it kind of ironic that my One Word was Enough, but going deeper it was Balance. This year was about Balance.  It was plastered everywhere I looked so that I would remember, and it was the one thing I did not do.   If I dare say it…I failed. (gasp!)

I feel like I should defend myself by explaining every reason why, and I will, but I am sharing this to share the learning in my failure.  It was through these failures that some of the greatest lessons and moments happened.

In October I began coursework for my Administration Certification and in November they finally narrowed down all the symptoms and fatigue I was feeling to extreme Adrenal Fatigue. Having the personality I have I knew that even though I tried (for a whole month) to slow down and be okay with resting, I could not. I failed. It was almost more stressful for my body to try to rest at this point.  I was going to push myself and maximize this learning opportunity. Ten years ago when I completed my master’s degree I said the same thing, “I’m just going to take a few classes and see how it goes.”  A year later I was graduating with a 4.0 and stomach ulcers.  I just couldn’t help it.

In January, I was full blown in the program with coursework assignments, 300+ practicum hours required and assignments, working, and attempting to be the best wife and mommy I could be.  Then, we decided to put our house on the market and move to live in the community in which I work and my daughter attends school.  We had been contemplating this for awhile and it just made sense now that things seemed to feel right.  We knew instantly when we made the move over to O.C. Taylor two years ago that we were in the place we were meant to be.  Families overwhelmingly welcomed us with kindness and we instantly formed great friendships with these wonderful families.

And so in February it began….selling our house, insisting I make a 4.0 in my classes, completing practicum hours, keeping up my exercise routine, being a wife, a mommy, working, moving most of our things into a storage unit, moving out of our house and living out of a suitcase with our friend for two months with a child and a dog who ended up with an episode of colitis because SHE was stressed (BREATHE!), house hunting in this fiercely competitive market with very specific parameters, finding the perfect home for us, moving stuff out of storage and into our new house!

As if that wasn’t enough, the last two years I have been led to wanting to teach middle school!  This is something I have never done and I am sure you know the elementary and secondary worlds are two completely different beasts!  My husband does not always understand my craziness, most people don’t, but he always supports it!  So in May I began packing and in June I was moving out of my current school and into a new school, moving school stuff from storage to my new school, and switching jobs completely from being an elementary literacy specialist to stepping back into the classroom as a 7th grade ELA teacher and becoming a cheer coach!  (BREATHE!)

All of this was going on WHILE I was completing my Administration Certification courses, which brings us to today.   June….having done it all AND PASSED that 5-hour online TExES 068 Principal Certification test…and you know what y’all?  I survived.  Somehow I did.  I survived, and so did my family.

So, I am sure you are wondering…..how did I fail at my One Word: Balance?

  • I failed at being a friend that sends birthday cards.  
  • I failed at being in shape and taking care of my body, for me personally.  
  • I failed at getting cute teacher gifts and all those on-top-of-it things.  
  • I failed at family dinners having to miss some because of web conferences, meetings, and homework.  
  • I failed at balancing all of the things I wanted to do and all of the places I wanted to be at one time.

But here is what I learned through this failure learning experience.

  1. I am a deeply committed person.  When I commit to something, it is at full speed, not halfway.
  2. I love learning. I mean, REALLY love the process of learning new things. After all, it is my Top Strengths Theme!  It truly is the process and not the outcome that excites me.
  3. Children really are resilient.  They will be okay if we are not catering to them and they have to make their own fun for a period of time. 
  4. Hard work pays off.  I already believe this, but I was able to model this for my child.
  5. After reading about my other Top Strengths Theme, Achiever,  I was able to understand that internal fire burning inside me that pushes me to always do more.  I will have to develop the ability to be okay with the whisper of discontent and that craving of new learning.  This is okay. This is who I am.
  6. I strengthened some friendships and developed some new ones that have become my very dearest friends through this process. 
  7. Unfortunately, it also revealed friendships where I was giving more and when I became busy and stopped being the lead giver, they weakened. 
  8. God really does only give you what you can handle.  
  9. I can’t do it all.  I want to with all my heart, but I can’t. I started saying no.
Finally……
   10.  I am going to rest awhile before starting my doctorate!!  😉

Enough!

It seems we do not find our One Word, but really it finds us. Such is how it happened with me this year.

I have always been a person who deeply values authenticity and transparency in people.  What you see is what you get with me.  I do not have ulterior motives and my naive side truly wants to believe no one else does either.

I am transparent.  I am authentic.  I am real….to a fault.  I couldn’t even try being anything else…my facial expressions would totally give me away! While even though I have accepted this and own that this is just me, I still sometimes fall victim to feeling not enough.
Not enough of me to do it all.  
Not enough of a daughter.  
Not enough of a wife.  
Not enough of a parent. 
Not enough of a teacher.  
Just not enough…and so I keep going, going, doing and doing.

Over Thanksgiving break I received some lab results that answered questions I have been seeking for a few years now: severe adrenal fatigue. The short version: the only way to fix this was to get real sleep.  This is actually comical if you know how much I love to sleep, but really struggle to shut off my brain to stay asleep all night.  I had to make major changes to my lifestyle and gain nutrients/minerals that I am deficient in because of being depleted by adrenals working overtime.  Sounds crazy, but it is quite interesting to learn how they all work together.

Fast forward 4 disciplined weeks and a doctor/nutritionist checkup. While all the changes I am making are great, until I sleep more none of this will dramatically increase.  Well…that’s just great!  Onward to my next goal: Sleep.

The reason I shared that story is because all of this happened in the midst of soul searching for my 2017 One Word. I went through them all: Surrender, Embrace, Release, Disciplined, Rest, Joy, Fun, but something always brought me back to this:

  

I read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown the other night in one sitting, it was THAT good!  It is about letting go of who you think you are supposed to be and embracing who you are.  I never have thought of myself as someone who has to be perfect or that there is a way I am supposed to be.  However, I didn’t even realize until I felt tears coming down my face that to some degree I do this in a different way.  I don’t compare myself to others, but I do a pretty incredible job comparing myself to myself a year ago.  I am truly my own worst critic.  Aren’t we all?

So while I considered the word Surrender (to being me) and Embrace (who I am is enough) I came out with ENOUGH!

Accept:
I am Enough.
I have Enough.
If I give my best, I have done Enough.

Make sure:
I have Enough fun.
I give more than Enough love.
I get Enough REST…..because this is where my journey begins.

I love this quote. I mean, imagine….Unbecoming everything that isn’t you to reveal who you were meant to be!  Sometimes just to cope and get through the day, or because in certain situations it is expected of us, we push back the real us.  Sometimes we may not even know we are doing it. This only holds back who we are meant to be in this life.  And that, my friends, is ENOUGH!